Getting Political

Glenn Whelan and Jeff Hendrick: Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael.

Their job, on paper, is to keep things simple and solid, protect the vulnerable lads at the back, and maintain a platform for the individual talents up front to do their thing. Yet they seem utterly incompetent at their basic function; constantly neglecting responsibility when the going gets tough. Those who keep selecting them over and over need to be called out for their lack of imagination, but they might ask – where are the other options in the centre?

James McClean: Sinn Féin.

Often given a free pass for his ‘pashun’ and anti-Brit sentiments, he now seems clumsy, mouthy and naïve. As an old-fashioned, direct, aggressive left-winger, he is only capable of wayward, over-hit balls from the flank, and is not suited to the highest level. Should not be considered for selection.

Jack Byrne: Social Democrats.

Seen by idealists as a Northern-European style playmaker – held back by questionable attitude and lack of consistency. Perhaps just too small to be a credible force at this level, and would need to be partnered by stronger, more pragmatic midfielders.

James McCarthy, Shane Long, Robbie Brady – PDs, Labour, Greens. 

Enjoyed some good days in the past, but out of form and favour, looking like they may never regain former status.

Identity Ireland and The National Party refuse to be associated with this analogy until Randolph, Obafemi and McGoldrick are dropped and deported to their ancestral homes. Solidarity and PBP don’t wish to be considered, as football is a hotbed of toxic masculinity and cis-male, heteronormative privilege; and a global, corporate, neo-con capitalist construct which distracts the working man from his duty to the Glorious Revolution.